Fuck Depression

I’m prone to depression and it sucks.

Chances are pretty high that you know what I’m talking about. A google or two told me that 7% of adult Americans suffer from depression in any given year, and since those 7% have friends and families, I’m betting if you haven’t had to deal with depression directly you’ve still been indirectly affected by watching a loved one struggle.

When I get depressed it tends to manifest in a lack of things. A lack of energy, a lack of enthusiasm, a lack of interest, a lack of concentration, a lack of focus, an inability to fall asleep at night, weight gain despite all efforts to lose it and headaches all_the_freaking_time. I’m not suicidal, I don’t curl up in a corner and cry*, but I’m not myself. I’m not the version of myself I want to be.

I hate the way it affects my family. I hate the effect it has on my writing. I just plain hate it.

It’s funny to me how difficult it has been for me to write this post. It’s not because I’m ashamed or embarrassed about depression, it’s because I’ve always struggled to not let it be an excuse for the things I do (or don’t do)… but I’m coming to realise that sometimes it might be a reason. I don’t like it. I don’t like feeling like I’m both blessed and handicapped by my brain, I don’t like realising that I’m going to have years, like last year, where I don’t get much of anything accomplished because I’m spending all my energy just keeping my head above water. I. Hate. It.

I’ve learned a lot of coping strategies over the years; little tricks, baby steps, whatever it takes to get what I need to do done, but though they help I resent their necessity.

One thing about depression, for me, anyway, is it does a fabulous job of showing me what things in my life are the most important to me. Family first, then friends, and then, like a lazer, it cuts through all the other things I do, and shows me which ones I can continue, and which need to be put aside until that bout with depression is through. But depression is also sneaky. It always leaves, eventually, but its shadow is always over my life because I know it will come back, someday, it will come back. I never know when, how hard it’s going to hit me, or how long it’s going to stay, but I know it will be back.

When I’m really low I can’t find the energy to care that I’m not writing because I’m spending most of it blaming myself for not getting anything done, but, at times like these when I feel like I’m climbing (oh so slowly) out of that hole, I try to remind myself of all the hardships other people have had to overcome, and I tell myself I can do this. I’m a fighter. I won’t give up. I will accomplish my goals, whether my brain likes it or not…

But damn, I wish it were easier.

If you’re dealing with depression and you feel all alone I swear to you, you’re not. You’re not alone. There are people, like me, who feel your pain and are pulling for you. We really, really are. Fuck Depression. Don’t let it beat you.

~*~

This blog post is part of the Blogging from A to Z challenge over the month of April and was brought to you by the letter D. Please pop by tomorrow when I’ll be talking about… um… something that begins with E. I’m sure it will be awesome… maybe.

ETA: I know there is medication that could possibly help me with this, but I’ve decided to not take it until I have exhausted every other possibility open to me. I already take a lot of medication, I don’t want to add another to the list if I don’t absolutely have to.

*much

 

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19 thoughts on “Fuck Depression

  1. I went through a bout of depression years ago. I never talked about it much, because people who’ve never felt it just don’t understand. That feeling of being alone is so pervasive.
    I think it’s good that you find ways to work through it, like blogging. Here’s hoping for a great a-z month!

    • That feeling of being alone is such a powerful thing, isn’t it? I’m so sorry you had to go through that bout of depression without someone to talk to. I really am. I hope if you ever need to deal with that again you can find someone to help you through.

      Thank you very much for stopping by and commenting and happy A to Z 🙂

  2. You are already on a good path with the diet and exercise. I’m in the same boat, I have struggled with depression for years. It’s mostly under control now, and not nearly as bad as it was when I was in my early 20’s.

    So yeah, fuck depression and the neuron it rode in on.

    • *hugs*

      You’re in the same boat with improving your diet and exercising too, so yay us!

      You know, pretty much unrelated to this, but we ought to plan a photo safari sometime this summer. BD takes pictures too (not sure about our other old crit members but I could ask) and depending on where we went we could even bring our families… or not, depending on our mood. It could be good…

  3. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I take medication for my depression though. It’s hard for people who don’t have depression to understand because it’s an “invisible” illness. You may look fine on the outside and inside you are screaming at the top of your lungs.

    Anyway, thank you for this post. 🙂

    • I think it’s fantastic that you’ve found a medication that helps you manage, and I agree, people who don’t have depression have a pretty tough time understanding it.

      Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. Stay strong 🙂

  4. I like your attitude, (I’m also fond of the F-word). One of my best friends has struggled with depression for years. I try to provide encouragement, without giving her the “snap out of it,” or cheery “it’ll all be okay,” shit. It helps she tells me. That and the medication, but down she’ll go again despite both. I feel her nightmare.

    • I use the F word far too often LOL

      Your friend is super lucky to have your support. Sometimes ‘I’m hear to listen if you need me.’ is the most helpful thing someone can say. You’re awesome 🙂

  5. I think the percentage may be even higher — I’ve dealt with it almost as long as I can remember. I’ve been off and on meds for years and being off is no longer an option for me. That’s not to say that meds are perfect because they are not —

    Hope you find a way to deal with it on your own — talking about it is a good start.

    • Well, to be fair, the stats say 7% of adult American’s suffer from depression every year, but it doesn’t say it’s the same 7% every year 🙂

      I’m sorry you happen to be in that % though, it sucks. I’m glad you’ve found some medication that helps you deal with it though. Whatever it takes to keep going, right?

  6. Thank you for sharing about your depression! I am also one of the 7%. Years ago, I knew there was something wrong, but I never asked for help until a friend told me about her depression. She was very open with everyone about it. She helped me realize it is an imbalance in brain chemistry and not any kind of weakness on my part. Today, I function much better on medication, but I know it’s not for everyone. I also try to be open about it because nobody should feel like they’re alone in this!

    • I’m glad you’ve found something that helps you function and I totally agree with you that no one should feel alone in this. I think the feeling of isolation is one of the worst parts of depression.

  7. Screw depression sideways. There’s a history of it in my family and I’ve felt it on me for some time, now. The way it cripples you really can’t be understood by someone who hasn’t experienced it, I don’t think. Maybe if they’ve been in traction for a long time, or some such thing, but otherwise how can they get what it feels to not feel anything but bad, for a long, long time, until all you want to do is just not feel anymore?

    Folks who do say that cheery, perky, pep-talky stuff need to shut their pie-holes. Cutesy aphorisms don’t work – and if you don’t know what to say, just tell me, “This sucks. I’m here for whatever you need.”

    ::breathes::

    Whew! 🙂

    So, yeah, let’s fight this BS depression shizz, if for no other reason (when finding a reason to fight is challenging) than that someone in this horrible world needs us.

    Some Dark Romantic

    • Yeah, there’s a history of it in my family too. It’s insidious really, how much it can effect you and everyone you love. *sigh* Yeah, I better not get started or this will turn into a huge rant instead of a reply LOL But yeah, it sucks.

      I agree, “I’m here for you.” are possibly the sweetest words you can hear when you’re struggling with this shit. I’m pretty lucky in that I’ve got great friends and a fantastic family who understand and support me — not everyone is that lucky, and my heart breaks for them.

  8. Depression … yup, I get it too … and it sucks like crazy. It is so blooming terrible. But I DO know that when I get out of it a bit, things look brighter and better. There is also depression on my side of the family so this helps a bit to know this.
    A Jungian analyst, a wise old man, once said to me that depression is a gift from the gods. Now, this is not meant to be a panacea; it is to reflect and think about those words. To go through depression and KNOW what it is like, is to know a great deal. It is to know about suffering, know about darkness, know about loneliness –
    Thank you for all yr comments – all wise and true! and yes, thanks for saying about eating well, and setting goals.

  9. A great depiction of the all consuming power of depression. As you suggest, it’s yours, you own it. The challenge and struggle to control it vs it controlling you is huge. Without a doubt depression is sneaky, stealthy and can arrive with precious little warning. For anyone wishing to understand what depression “feels” like, or wanting to explain it to others, I suggest you go to YouTube and search “I have a black dog”. An animated production by the World Health Organization.

  10. I think it’s amazing that you have depression and you’ve accomplished so much in your life. From writing stories, to photography, to family, and to being a great friend, not only to me, but to a lot of people. I have anxiety myself, and some days are good and some days are not so good, but we keep moving. 🙂

    • Thank you Arnold 🙂

      Anxiety and depression — fuck ’em both!

      I think you’re exactly right though, some days are good and some days, not so much, but you do what you can on each of them. Sometimes it’s a victory just to get dressed in the morning.

      Oh.

      I just thought of something.

      Some days you’re Dory. Some days you’re Marlin:

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