I’m feeling intimidated by the novel I’m working on. It’s sad but true. The novel in question is currently titled ‘See The Sky Again’ and so far its got an interesting ‘life story’. I started writing it as a NaNo novel a couple years ago and then stopped because I realised it could be a really good novel if I gave it some more time to develop in my brain before writing it. So I stopped working on it, but not thinking about it. My subconcious has been chewing away on it ever since.

A few months ago I started working on it again, then I enrolled in a novel-writing class with Candas Jane Dorsey. The class, it turned out, include a lot of critiquing (both giving and recieving). I don’t usually show my work before I’ve got the entire first draft done. History has taught me that this is for the best, however, I mean, this was Candas Jane Dorsey. If I was going to get a critique from her on my work I was going to get it on the project I cared the most about. That was StSA.

I got fantastic feedback on the first two chapters which I then revised the crap out of, turned into one chapter and submitted for new feedback. The second round of feedback was even better than the first, so another revision ensued. Then another after I sent the first chapter to my regular critique group to make sure some parts I wasn’t sure about worked.

Here’s the problem. Chapter one of StSA is the best piece of fiction I’ve ever written. Ever. And now I’m intimidated by it. It feels like a betrayal almost to add on to it with a crappy first draft. I know I have to. I know that the first chapter is like version four and that the stuff I’m writing subsequent to it will eventually be polished and revised to be good. I know that the first draft of anything is shit and that I have to let it be so and just get it out. I know all these things, but I’m still paralyzed. Knowing things and knowing things are entirely different.

I’ve decided that enough is enough. I can’t be held hostage by this block anymore and I’m going to write. 1,000 words a day. The plan is threefold. First, I’ll use willpower. I know I have it, I just need to channel it into this and really stick to it. Secondly, Jo is making me a spiffy word count program with pretty graphs and stuff, that will help keep me motivated on the especially hard days. Thirdly I’ve discovered that I write better outside the house. Now that it’s warming up around here I’m going to be going to coffee every morning, taking a notebook and writing long hand while I’m there. The link between coffee and writing will be a good one, as will setting up a routine and getting out of the house.

Wish me luck. I may need it.

That is a screenshot of the links bar from Kari Wolfe’s blog at Imperfect Clarity. What does it have to do with anything? Um. Not much. I just think it’s fantastically amazing to have my name included in that list. I’m in pretty good company there, hmm? Thanks Kari! That really made my day when I first saw it (obviously, I screenshotted it LOL).

So, the subject of this post is ‘Point Form Stuffs’ because I have so many things to touch on that the only way to do it all without this turning into a novel is in point form (hmm… point-form?)

• Niteblade is no longer putting out a print anthology every fifth issue, however payouts for contributors have increased significantly. Linky Linky
• Niteblade also has a twitter account @NitebladeZine (so do I in case you’ve not seen it before @RhondaParrish )
• I decided to work out more and play World of Warcraft less. This has resulted in my having more focus (already, I started yesterday LOL) and actually, finally, beginning my Eowyn Challenge. So I’m now walking from Bag End to Rivendell, following Bilbo’s footsteps in The Hobbit. Why The Hobbit and not Lord of the Rings? Because I couldn’t decide what character to follow for LotR and I needed to make a choice and get started LOL I’ll do LotR next. To make myself feel accountable, I’ve put up a file in my public dropbox that will record my progress. That means, anyone who wants to can see how I’m doing. Clicky Clicky. I’m biking, not walking — I cite the winter weather as my excuse.
• Shades of Green is coming out soon, and I’m trying to think of a way to have a contest to give one away, but I’m not coming up with anything clever. Any ideas?
• NaNoLJers is having a short story contest (Short Story Contest) and since I’m not a judge and the judging is blind I thought I might enter. Alas, I am pretty much stumped. I have the vaguest concept for the story, but not much beyond that. The deadline is the middle of February though, so I have a little time to put something together still. If you write you should think about entering too.
• I’m working on my newsletter today. It should go out by this afternoon. Yay for only being a few days late instead of weeks!

I feel like I’m forgetting stuff…but that seems like a pretty good collection of ’stuffs’ to share How about you? Do you have any exciting stuffs to share?

I have a ticket for the World Horror Convention in Brighton this year…but I don’t think I’m going to be able to use it. I’m not known for making these sorts of decisions easily, and my mind isn’t completely set on this one, but really, I would say with 99% certainty, I won’t be going. You see, the thing is as much as I really want to go (and I do, I really do) I applied to Clarion West this year.

The odds are very much against my being accepted to Clarion West but if I get in, that would take priority for me over WHC.

While it’s actually possible for me to manage to go to both, I don’t want to. That’s a lot of money and a lot of time spent away from my family. Danica will have a tough enough time dealing with my being gone for six weeks if I get into Clarion West, adding another week for a trip to Brighton not long before that would be wrong.

The tricky thing is, Clarion West generally notifies people about whether or not they got in sometime in March, usually (I’m told) toward the end of it. Word Horror is in March, which means I’d need to have a plane ticket sometime before then. And so, and so…

I don’t think I’m going to Brighton. I suppose the deal is actually pretty much sealed, even if I try to deny it or pretend there is still a question about it. I want to go to Brighton but let’s face it, if I went it would be more pleasure than business (I haven’t got a horror novel to promote yet and Niteblade doesn’t make money so I can’t justify the trip on the grounds of promoting it) and Clarion West could do amazing things for my writing and thus, my writing future. So I’m not going to Brighton. It makes me sad, I will miss being able to see friends, and hang out and all the good stuff that comes with conventions (oh, and the bag ‘o books, I’ll -so- miss the books!) but in the end it’s the right thing to do. And if I don’t get into Clarion West? I guess I’ll just take that money and take my family on a beach vacation somewhere. That will help soothe my disappointment.

Also, if you could keep your fingers crossed for me that I get accepted into Clarion West that would be fabulous.

(The picture is of my cat, Indy, and is completely irrelevant to this post. I put it there because I couldn’t think of something relevant to put as a picture and I’m trying to include more of my photographs in entries…so…yeah.)

I have been struggling lately. You may have noticed, it’s been a recurring theme for the past couple years and it just keeps getting worse. I have the attention span of a gnat nowadays. I look back at the things I used to accomplish in a day and that list has been getting smaller and smaller for the past 4 years or so. Unacceptable.

I have the attention span of a gnat.

This needs to change.

After a lot of consideration and discussions with friends who find themselves in similar positions as well as those who don’t, I have a theory. I think I have trained myself to be unfocused. This was obviously unintentional, but I think it’s what happened.

A few years ago when I was building websites and such for a living I had a livejournal and an ICQ account. I would check LJ once a day and keep ICQ up and running while I worked. That meant I could communicate with people if I needed or wanted to, but I wasn’t leaving the window or webpage I was on to do it. Fast forward to now and I have a LiveJournal, a Facebook account, a couple blogs and a twitter account. Discounting the blogs because they don’t fall into the same category — I have a lot more distractions. Firstly, Facebook and twitter update a lot more often than LJ. My twitter feed changes every couple minutes, that means I’m refreshing that page every couple minutes and in order to do that, I’m leaving the window I’m currently working in. Add to that the ability to get sidetracked following links or playing games on Facebook and really, it’s no wonder my brain is so fragmented and frazzled.

This hasn’t just affected my work, by the way. Look at my World of Warcraft account as another example. I play on two servers (one less than the other). On each of those servers I have 10 characters. 10. That’s the maximum. Why? Because I don’t seem to be able to focused on any one toon for very long.

The good news is I figure if I trained myself to be unfocused, unproductive and to have a short attention span, I can untrain myself too. (Is untrain a word?). Starting immediately during work hours I am only going to allow myself to check Facebook and Twitter once a day. That’s it. Just once. The same goes for Livejournal. During my off-hours I’ll ease up on myself a little bit. I will continue to check Twitter while I’m taking a long flight in WoW for example, but I need to force myself to focus when I should be working and maybe actually get something done now and then. The way things are right now is ridiculous.

Wish me luck, I might need it.

My short story, Hell Tempted Me, is online now at Yellow Mama. This is an erotic piece and thus is not suitable for anyone under 18 or who isn’t into that sort of thing. I wrote it as an entry for a contest at FanStory a very long time ago (it didn’t win) and just recently found the right market for it.

I’m getting ready to go on my writing retreat today. I’ve finally figured out what I’m going to be working on there. First I need to do a final revision of THERE and then I’m going to start the rewrite of SHADOWS. I’m also hoping to fit some flash work in around the edges as part of one of my sekkrit projects. Wish me luck and productivity